Rum Holiday
Beyond The Stockade There Is Chaos And Nothingness

Friday, April 18, 2003  

edited 4.21.03

- He's still talking. -

- What? -

- He's still talking. That man. Still talking. -

- So he is. -

- Get Morse in here. -

- MORSE! -

- Yes, sir -

- Why is that man still talking? -

- Uh...I don't know sir. I guess it's not done yet. -

- Don't get smart with me, Morse. You had a job to do. -

- I'm not smart, sir. Being smart. I did my job. It's done. Any minute now. -

- Morse, I'm gonna be straight with you. -

- Yes sir, please. -

- You're an underachiever. I'm not going to beat around the bush here. That man should not still be talking. By now he should be writhing around on the floor behind that podium tearing at the flesh around his throat. The paramedics should be fighting their way through a panicked crowd, unable to reach him in time. Where are the paramedics, Morse? -

- Um, sir, I... -


- Standing along the perimeter sir. -

- Does anybody look panicked to you? -

- No sir, not yet, but… -

- NO BUTS! Morse, you're fired. -

- FIRED? Oh my god, sir no! I did my job.! He's rubbing his throat. See? It's working. LOOK! -

- Morse, if I wanted a half assed job done I would have called Ruble. This should have been over by now. Your skills are no longer sharp. You're of no use to me. Hand over your card. -

- Oh, no sir. - Clutches what he has been holding in his hands to his chest. - I'll bone up. I swear! Lately, I hexes just haven't been as effective. I follow the book. - He drops his collection of talismans and instruments onto the table - I use the proscribed instruments and roots. I used extra salt! -

- Extra salt? -

- Oh yes sir! I wanted to be sure this time. -

- Morse? You're fired. -

Stunned and speechless, he exits the room.

- Eckhart? -

- Yes sir. -

- Didn't we switch to that salt substituty thing around here? -

- Oh, yes sir. For your blood pressure. -

- That's what I thought. Eckhart? -

- Yes, sir -

- You're fired too. -

posted by [AOK] | 2:55 PM

Thursday, April 17, 2003  

Yikes. Someone just got fired here.

I hate that.

posted by [AOK] | 4:45 PM

Wednesday, April 16, 2003  

You know what would be a good gift for me?

Well, I wouldn't complain if anybody gave me this.

posted by [AOK] | 4:14 PM

I had a post here, but my computer froze and now that post, well, es ist verschwunden.

Hokay. My only point about the dead bouncer and the smoking ban, by the way, is that misplaced blame is transparent and lame. Even though a ban on indoor smoking would certainly help curb my own habit and would ultimately be better for my health, I still find myself resentful when that big black boot of fascism is crushing my skull to the pavement for my own good (and the good of others, whatever. There are other jobs, there are other bars. Go there instead.). So while I very much appreciate any effort at all to point out the faults in the law, impotent arguments are weak and counterproductive.

See, when the anti-marijuana contingent tries to make a point they frequently have to fall back on misleading statistics and misdirected blame, because otherwise they have no leg to stand on. I don't mind if their arguments are weak and counterproductive.

For instance:

1. That kid in the commercial who shoots his friend while they are stoned on marijuana? He didn't shoot his friend because he was stoned on marijuana.

Q: He didn't? But it's so obvious. I mean, he was stoned. Kids shoot each other when they are stoned.

A: Once upon a time, Daddy heard Charlton Heston utter the words "...from my cold, dead hands" and he started to think. He loved Charlton Heston, and word was that Charlton was headed for the green vinyl chair in the lounge right next to Ron's. Nancy has a big heart. Maybe she'll feed them both pudding. That's a nice thought.

But you know, thought Daddy, maybe Charlton's right. Maybe I need some cold dead hands around here! And that desk with the broken lock in the den that my kid likes to hang out in? That would be a great place to keep my little piece of the Second Amendment.


2. 1 out of three drivers who were field tested for drugs tested positive for marijuana.

Q: Right! See, it's more harmful than we all thought!

A: What this statitistic actually says is that 2 out of 3 people they thought they SHOULD test were actually negative. How exactly is that a useful argument?

So they can do that all they want.

That's all I meant.

posted by [AOK] | 1:55 PM

A Scooby Doo mystery, all right!

posted by [AOK] | 12:46 PM

Tuesday, April 15, 2003  

Annoying things about today:

1. Having to send $576 to the government
2. Being cut in line at Walgreens by two old ladies
3. Traffic on I-94 for no apparent reason
4. Turning around after choosing my yogurt at the grocery store and falling over a cart some idjut parked directly behind me
5. Having to spend the day mostly working


posted by [AOK] | 4:30 PM

Monday, April 14, 2003  

Bouncer Dies, and Family Blames City's Smoking Ban


Of course they do. It's not that I'm not sympathetic. While people rarely badmouth the dead (notable exceptions notwithstanding, but mainly those are celebrities of various ilks and/or really really big jerks), this guy sounded like a genuinely nice guy. But you know what? The Smoking Ban didn't kill him, a crazy guy with a knife did.

posted by [AOK] | 4:20 PM

Sometimes people you admire are flaky as all get out.

posted by [AOK] | 2:14 PM

I almost died twice this morning. The first time by way of your typical asshole SUV move, the second by way of a somewhat surreal situation in which a door flew off of a crushed car that was on the back of a wrecker truck and landed three feet in front of me on the road.

My car and I made it here without acquiring any more scratches than either of us already has, but wow that car door thing was kinda weird.

posted by [AOK] | 11:02 AM
hook me up
talk to me
take me back