Rum Holiday
Beyond The Stockade There Is Chaos And Nothingness

Wednesday, May 21, 2003  

+21 Days
Interest Level: Mild

Below: A mostly true account of my final visit with a certain chiropractor.

posted by [AOK] | 4:25 PM

-It's all physics. If you understood the physics of the color spectrum you would understand why we have to do it this way. Lie face down please.

This shouldn't hurt at all. My hands are very controlled. I was an athlete once. I was a really great speed skater! I used to train with Eric Hayden, actually. We were neck in neck for the longest time. You know who Eric Hayden is, right? He's the - yes, the Olympic medalist. I was just as good as him. But you know why he was in the Olympics and I wasn't? His uncle was rich, that's why. I think it was his uncle, anyway. Anyway somebody in his family had a lot of money and he could just spend all his time training. Well, once I got out of school I had to work for a living. Some of us have to, you know! Not all of us have rich daddies, which is the only was you get a shot at the Olympics! Um, are you wearing red underwear? I don't make a habit of looking, but it shows through the gown. Here, you need another one of the copper bars. Again, I know you don't understand it, but do some research on color physics and you'll see what I mean. The red makes what I'm doing more less effective unless you hold another bar. Turn over on your back please?

Eric and I don't keep in touch. We lost touch when I got out of the skating thing to go to work. Actually I hurt my knee too. I hurt my knee when I was working my way through school. I had this painting business with my dad. That went belly up in about a year but I also hurt my knee in the process. So it was a disaster all the way around really.

Hold on, I have to get the phone.

Sorry about that. I used to have a receptionist. She's my fiancee. Oh, she's the best. Beautiful, smart. She's really into whole foods and even though we get a pizza sometimes we still for the most part eat pretty healthy. She's so thin! Right now she's studying to be a teacher. Or at least she was. I'm not really sure what she's doing right now. I guess the truth is that she moved to California last month, so I'm not even really sure if she's my fiancee anymore. But we talk all the time. Can you flex your toes please? I love her so much but I guess she just needed some space or something. She called me a couple of weeks ago and said that I owed her five hundred dollars! Five hundred dollars! I said 'What could I possibly owe you five hundred dollars for?' and she said 'For my long distance bill, or they will turn off my phone'. I love her and I didn't want her phone to be turned off so I sent it to her. Was that dumb? I'm thinking about asking for it back. Would that be bad? I mean it is my money. I didn't really 'owe' it to her I just lent it. Now I have some bills to pay here at the office and I'm going to have to borrow some money from my mother until I get this five hundred dollars back. OK, you can get dressed.

The problem is I love her. I really want her to come back from California but she says she's not ready. Maybe I should just write off the money and chalk it up as an investment. What do you think? Do you think she'll come back to me? Do women really just need time when they say things like that? I'd wait forever for her.

OK, fifty for today. Do you want to set up your next appointment now or do you just want to call...-

posted by [AOK] | 4:18 PM

Monday, May 19, 2003  

+19 Days
Interest Level: Eh...

I think it's only because I've been so busy though. Last week was fairly hellacious. I did have a funny idea yesterday.

I (this is not the funny idea) think that security guard at the front desk at Hamburger U really loves it when people come in for meetings and pick up their badges and ask if they can have fries with that. I considered asking him myself and also asking him to Super Size it but I was afraid it would crack him up too much and he would maybe look unprofessional.

Creepy: Ray Krok's preserved office in the lobby.

Creepy: Life sized fiberglass Ronald McDonald on the bench across from our meeting room.

Creepy: The Hamburger U campus bears strong resemblance to Stepford.

Weird: If you want a soda or something any time during the day you just walk around the back of any phone bank and fill up at the fountain. I think I had to pee about 7 times that day. I may not have ultimately gotten my money's worth, but dammit I tried.

I'll be back, I promise. I haven't given up.

posted by [AOK] | 3:22 PM
hook me up
talk to me
take me back