Beyond The Stockade There Is Chaos And Nothingness
Thursday, June 05, 2003 Goodness, now Squawkbox seems to be down. How annoying. posted by [AOK] | 3:57 PM
I thought that not being fired would motivate me to do some work, but it seems that's not the case.
I honestly am trying to get focused. I'm taking care of a lot of little details that cause me to sit and worry and make them worse by inaction. I really am not sneering at the idea of working. Too many bills to pay, trouble in kittyland, worrying about too many things. It's a poor excuse, but I just get lost in it. Sneering is almost a better excuse because then at least I can be ironic about it. I hate it when I'm trying and I can't make anything happen.
At one time in my life I can remember feeling like I was grooving along, putting out fires as they came up. No layered problems, no complicated issues. I was even depressed at the time. And I made $17,500 (annual). I had an apartment, a boyfriend, a car, a job, a therapist, and a cat. I don't remember life becoming complicated. All of a sudden I just woke up and realized that keeping my head above water is just about the best I can hope for.
This doesn't exactly bother me, really. I very often think that I'm pretty lucky and I'm generally pretty happy. But shit, can't somebody just fix all this stuff and let me start from scratch again?
I haven't played piano in almost 2 months. I'm horrified by this. I know that all I need to do is sit down and play. It comes back really quickly (which always surprises me). I have things in my book to work on, and some ideas for stuff I want to start working on. I know it's something that I don't even have to motivate myself for, I just need to sit down and do it because the motivation comes as soon as I touch the keys. I know this. This isn't the first time I've avoided playing for a period of time.
Urgh. posted by [AOK] | 3:51 PM
Wednesday, June 04, 2003 Here's the lowdown on my performance review:
Under "Attitude" they marked "Needs Improvement". My sense of humor was described as "caustic" and having such a sense of humor makes people "afraid" of me. A more "consistent demeanor" would be "more conducive to a team-oriented work environment".
Or something like that. In other words, "We really wish you weren't such a bitch".
But then they gave me a decent salary bump anyway.
posted by [AOK] | 11:32 AM
Tuesday, June 03, 2003 You know, I'm not really in the mood to write much of anything right now. I'm in the process of accepting that one of my cats can't stay in my home and it's making me really sad.
If you live in Chicago and want to take care of a nice kitty let me know.
sigh posted by [AOK] | 2:00 PM